I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
