True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
well, you know. whores of a feather.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
