You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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