You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
