You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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