Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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