I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
false alarm, still single
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
