went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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