I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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