i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
