just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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