i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
