I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize