They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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