my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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