I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
