I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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