proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
