Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
