I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
