also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize