he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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