Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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