She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
