I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
