I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
