We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Enjoy the penises
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
