it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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