I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
