Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
