I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
