I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
