so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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