he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
