I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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