its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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