you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
