Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
