I think I won the penis lottery.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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