This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
