I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
