Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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