That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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