It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
