I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
