I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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