for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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