I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
