You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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