I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
