just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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