oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize