apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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