Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
