note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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